finally, lovestruck.: October 2005

Friday, October 28, 2005

a point to ponder and a cute pic to go with it too!

love finds its way back if it's real.

without a doubt.

silly predictions

in one of my previous posts, i publicly declared that im psychic. well, i am insisting that fact again. despite the snickers and guffaws that i am anticipating from the readers of this entry, i am stressing my psychic powers. and because of this, i am making my own predictions for the upcoming year. mind you, getting married is not on my prediction list, not unless you can count mr. alecsander's prediction of me getting hitched two years from now. hahaha! =)

i am extremely excited. i can totally feel it in my bones. i am going to be exclusive, yes, read it again, it says EXCLUSIVE, next year to ONE hottie out there. yes, i know, im hard to hold down, as my ex-boyfriend, brennie, has said last night. he even said that he dreamt that the two of us got married and he felt really bad during the wedding. heck, his knees even trembled at the prospect of being married to me. he is THAT scared and overwhelmed at the idea of me getting tied to him. sheesh. ok, i admit that commitment is not exactly one of my strong points. im a pathological flirt. there, i said it. i unwittingly give off flirting signals to just about anyone i meet and hang out with. but that is how i am. i tend to be overfriendly and touchy-feely and some misinterpret this as me liking them. well, that is not the case. i am actually very choosy and i dont lead guys on. if i like him, then i tell him and show him as clearly as i can. if i dont, i say it right in his face or being the escapist that i am, avoid replying to his messages and refuse to spend time with him.

but im a free spirit. sometime next year, i will decide to settle down again, this time for real. it will not be half-baked and it will not be deviant either. it will be safe, quite boring and typical. uhuh, i know. where's the fun in that? but i have played so much and got my overdose of the field that i will eventually choose to be with someone i will be extremely loyal to. i can be loyal and i know i will be, given the right hottie. hahaha. he will be someone who will help me with work, love me, make me laugh and spoil me to death. now, i wake up every morning tingling with excitement over how we will meet and how hot he is going to be. however, i might have met this hottie already though im not that certain yet. my powers tell me that i will know for sure next year though. i cant wait. i smile at the possibility everyday.

at present, im not exclusive to anyone because i choose not to be. everyone knows that. i chose to be single. my close friends know that i can be with someone exclusively if i just wanted to. i have that option but i refused to take it. im not ready now, given the circumstances im in. but with a snap of my fingers, i can change that. however, now's not the right time. im too immature and too in love with someone who is mine and not mine simultaneously. complicated? for me, its really quite simple. but for others, it is.

next year is going to be really great. to add to my exclusivity prediction, i fathom that my best friend, caroline, will also be exclusive almost at the same time as me. this year has taken its toll on both of us, i am willing to bet a gazillion pesos that she will finally meet and be with someone worth talking to on the phone for hours. next year, i also predict that i will be doing a lot of travelling and be landing a dream job, all on my own, without the help of my stage mom. hahaha.

i am also going to be deciding on major career options and whether i will pursue law school or not. going to the states for a master's degree is also in the stars for me. i will definitely be moving out of the house and be living more independently. ahahay. silly predictions.

whoa. all these next year? no wonder im grepalifing so much lately. i need all the strength that i can get.

after all, being exclusive is going to take so much energy. not to mention willpower.

may the good LORD help me.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

firsts and some random things

this is a first. i woke up at exactly 4am today, took a bath, dressed and fixed myself up and then left the house to set off for the Linden Suites. i left at around 6am, ate breakfast first at mcdonald's and then started to go to the hotel. amazingly, i arrived at the Linden Suites at exactly 7am. i was one hour early for the summit which was at 8am. this is definitely a first. being late for almost every occasion in my life and half-believing that nothing started without me, this day gave a refreshing feeling of fulfillment. it gratifies me to know that i can arrive early if i just wanted to.

since i am an hour early, i am writing this entry in my notebook as i sit in the hotel lobby's plush couch, patiently waiting for 8am. why am i here in the first place? well, there will be a summit by the philippine center for investigative journalism (PCIJ) about journalists as bloggers. being a journalist and a blogger myself, i e-mailed sir alecks of pcij about my interest regarding the summit and if there are still slots available last thursday night. i also told him that my thesis partner, emman and i are writing our thesis on blogs owned by media practitioners, their various uses and their influence on the audience.

despite the short notice, sir alecks texted me yesterday afternoon saying that they can only accomodate one more slot. since emman is in batangas and because im a very responsible, caring and loving thesis partner, i decided to go instead. and even if im aware that i have a very short attention span making me bored easily, i still convinced myself to go. my promise to go nerdy all the way this coming semester started early and even touched part of my break. emman and i are supposed to get insights about journalists as bloggers and contact numbers of journalists for us to interview them starting this november. i am starting that now which gives me the premonition that im up for a very well-written and researched thesis, as i vowed in my last entry. the nerd in me is now rejoicing and doing cartwheels at this very moment. weee! =)

this summit is from 8am-530pm, with about 4 discussion sessions. even if journalism and blogging are two of my top interests, i am crossing my fingers that i wont get bored and fall asleep in the middle of it all. that would be a major embarassment as sir alecks gave me a slot even at the very last minute and even if they have very limited slots, the summit being at a swanky hotel and all. sigh. i really hope i stay awake all day.

i read in the net that some of my former professors are moderators today. this makes the summit feel like one big class where all my professors are present. also from the net, i read that the summit participants are mainly media practitioners. and since its the sembreak, i am expecting that i will be one of the few students attending the forum. i also then hope i wont feel left out. however, this is also a good thing as i will be able to get as many contacts in the media as possible. i read in the net that a lot of noted journalists who are also bloggers will be giving talks. most of them are actually our thesis' main subjects.

its now 730am and i have not seen one person going through the elevator for the summit at the fourth floor. hmmm..the participants seem to be running late knowing that the program is supposed to start at 8am. this really feels weird, being the earliest bird at something i am not even in charge of. i sure hope my waking up early is worth this event. im definitely hoping that the food's for free! hahaha. =)

the receptionists are now looking at me with a smirk in their lips. hmm..they are probably wondering what the hell im writing or worse, thinking that im writing a LOVE letter! i might as well end this entry and stare at the floor instead. hmmm..another first! before, id rather stare at the ceiling. hehehe.

to my dear readers, today is not an all-out nerdy day for me though. i am meeting caroline later at shang then we'll be going to joanne's birthday party somewhere in taft. we might go to malate after the party as well. ahahay. what a great day this is going to be! =)

random things about the journalist-blogger conference:

1. the grilled blue marlin in teriyaki sauce was absolutely delicious. NOTE: i normally dont eat fish.

2. almost all journalists smoke. the bar in the second floor was practically filled with them smoking during breaks. hmm..only a few JC people smoke though. i wonder why.

3. i was in an animated conversation with an american during lunch. he happens to be the representative of the foundation sponsoring this ritzy event.

4. everyone immediately assumed that i am a student. hmmm..it must be because of my radiant youthfulness.

5. everyone called me marie because my name plate said "MARIE SERCADO." does this mean that marie is lucky and anne is jinxed? its turning out to be a great day. i might just consider changing my nickname.

6. i was in a table with joseph morong and tina panganiban-perez, both from GMA and two of our thesis subjects. chummyness.

7. its a good thing i didnt dress up for this conference. everyone looks laidback.

8. im getting a lot of material for our thesis! wee!

9. a noted journalist here looks like lani misalucha. guess who? =)
10. i miss emman. this is the first journ-related thingie with free food that we're not together.=(

11. journalists here love oranges. all the orange slices in the dessert tray are gone. the pineapple and the watermelon were barely touched.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

going nerdy all the way!

next semester is going to be my last semester in college. for that, i have computed my GWA and even if i totally bum around next semester and dont study at all, i will graduate with my mom grinning from ear to ear. even with the worst case scenario of getting all 2.25s in all my classes for the whole year, my mom will definitely be very happy. in fact, my whole family will probably be carrying me on their shoulders after my graduation. hahaha!

however, a really close friend told me that i shouldnt be this relaxed over my grades. he said i should strive more to earn even higher grades for my remaining classes in school. he added that he went through the same thing but he regrets not being more conscientious on his senior year. though i am very contented with my possible GWA, i decided to take his advice. after computing my GWA again, i am confident that if i go nerdy all the way next semester, i can get better grades than the ones i am accustomed to getting.

its a good thing then that my schedule for next semester is only on tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays. i have four days of the week off. i can use these free days for thesis work and for studying, studying and studying! nonetheless, i will not be giving up my grepalifestyle. part of the reason i am this motivated to study hard next semester is so i can grepalife on the days i have classes guilt-free. my days in school are for attending classes, org work and grepalife. on my vacant days however, i will be putting all my efforts into digesting whatever knowledge i extract from my classes, accomplishing my requirements and reviewing ahead of the announced exam dates. if i was a nerd for most of my college education, those times will be nothing on the nerdy scale compared to my next semester's nerdiness. this is the last semester, after all, so i am putting out on all the stops!

this is a promise i am making to myself. you, my dear readers, are my witnesses. i will forever hate myself if i let this opportunity to improve the brainy, gorgeous arcie pass. i dont want to reach graduation blaming myself and knowing i could have done better, if i have decided to do better and then pushed my lazy ass into action. i am doing this, regardless of the sacrifices that i have to make and the raised eyebrows i might see from people who think that i dont study AT ALL. tsk, tsk. to the people who act all shocked upon seeing me study at the library or read a class-required book, read this very clearly, i will prove you WRONG. there is so much more to me than my gorgeousness. hahaha! =p

woohoo! i am definitely going nerdy all the way!

i just hope my grepalife friends will not disown me though. =)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

nerd!

nerdy, nerdy, nerdy. here's a picture of me slaving in front of a computer with my apple C2 to keep me company. hehehe.

i took an online test and here are the results! oh my, so im really a nerd, after all! =p

Modern, Cool Nerd
91 % Nerd, 65% Geek, 21% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Congratulations!

good thing im modern and cool too. not loser-ish. like some nerd i know. hahaha! =)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

rockstar

i distinctly remember the last time i got so drunk that i went home in a daze, muttering "im going to marry a rockstar" continuously. my cousin told me she heard me saying this over and over again as i entered my room and as i settled down on my bed to sleep. i only stopped when i finally fell into slumber. upon waking up, i laughed my lungs out as i remembered this silly thing that i did while my cousin re-enacted the entire scene. she said i even had a ridiculous smile on my face as i acted all loopy and disoriented.

though the images were fuzzy, i believed i was capable of being this pathetic over rockstars. theres something about them that sends a tingle up my spine. theyre the type of guys i see myself totally intoxicated with. their tendency to break the rules and their capacity to act as eccentric as possible thrills me. theres a certain kind of danger attached to dating and then marrying a rockstar that excites me to the bone. i admit that i am inclined to liking those that are bad for me. bad boys are my weakness. one intense look from a bad boy and ill melt like an ice cream pop in the desert. it depends on the guy though. sometimes guys just pretend to be bad just to be noticed. how loser-ish. i define my bad boys as those who will beat the odds, walk off with me into the sunset with his hand around my waist, regardless of the consequences.

caroline's mom told her that she thinks rockstars are geniuses. i so totally agree. their passion for their music is so strong it reverberates throughout the stage as they perform and then into the audience, unwittingly influencing every member to feel the music and express the emotion. some rockstars are also very intense conversationalists that you can talk to them about anything under the sun, from marxism, salvation to something as juvenile as tricycle drivers and pochero. those who are passionate performers onstage are a major turn-on as they prance around with their guitars and bash the cymbals with their drumsticks. tongue-waggling is even very much appreciated as a very macho gesture. it amuses me how rockstars can be as rowdy as they want, but still people find them cool and talented. i am loving the absolute deviance that they exude.

their playboy image also attracts me. labeled with the tendency to collect girls and groupies, those who are loved by rockstars are envied by their men's so-called posse. the rockstar can play all he wants but at the end of the day, the girl he comes home to is deemed highly and regarded as the lucky one. this is the typical rockstar's girlfriend scenario and though it is very chauvinist, plenty still find it convenient. despite my adoration for rockstars, i would never agree to this situation. not even bon jovi can do this to me. hahaha. nevertheless, this player image is also one of the factors i like bandistas. the possibility of competition can put anyone, even an attention-whore like me, on her toes.

having watched the movies almost famous, school of rock and rockstar and the music channels on TV made me develop teensy-weensy crushes on rockstars more. dont get me wrong though, i am not a groupie. and i will never be a groupie. hehe! im just fascinated by them. id still choose a nerd over a rockstar any day of the week. for me, nerds are definitely way sexier.

however, if yael yuzon asks me to marry him, id say yes in a split second.

Monday, October 17, 2005

xaymaca baby

stir it up, little darling, stir it up...

last summer, i was in xaymaca practically every night, unwittingly memorizing every lyric of bob marley's hits. being a self-confessed reggae junkie, xaymaca became more than a place for me to hang out, have fun and meet new friends, instead it became a place of refuge for me-where i can run to and escape from the complications a half-baked love had given me. i jammed with the crowd, drank beer, inhaled hemp smoke and danced till i was out of breath. i met a lot of people, eventually blending in with the xaymaca crowd that i dont have to worry about going alone since i know i will be hanging out with people, regardless of whether i just met them or not.

the reggae scene swallowed me and i did not struggle at all. for me, it was a means to forget my love problems and it effortlessly placed a genuine smile in my lips again. the crowd filled me with intoxication. if they were intoxicated with the reggae lifestyle, i was with them so much their passion enveloped into me and transformed me into a die-hard reggae fan. i immediately found hip-hop and RNB too trendy for my taste. i outgrew these genres and found myself scrunching my nose whenever i hear something that is classified into them. i appreciated laid back fashion more with all the loose cotton pants, board shorts, beads, anklets and the i-dont-give-a-damn-what-i-wear attitude the xaymaca people have sported. gradually, i soon became more inclined to wear flipflops, tank tops, cotton pants; sometimes not even wearing a bra. i also became more apt to wear my hair in a loose bun and then stock up on the lip gloss and the bronzer.

fashion and music were not the only things that xaymaca changed in me. i became more of a social butterfly than i was before. since i was free from anyone's rules inside xaymaca, i jived with everyone. i saw myself trasferring from one table to another, drinking and talking with people i barely know. naturally, these people welcomed my so-called chummyness. since we all practically knew each other by our first name, xaymaca nights seem to transform into a party with friends. every night is a party and we were all there to enjoy it. new people who came to xaymaca were not alienated though, everyone was welcome and there was no "frequent customer" air put by anyone in my crowd. the mentality of "we were here first" was non-existent. the reggae music encouraged everyone to feel each other and be with each other. dancing became natural and people find themselves rubbing more than elbows with total strangers. since xaymaca doesnt have a dance floor, people danced everywhere, making xaymaca a haven for sensual touch and stirring stares. in xaymaca, i learned to be around people more. though the sensuality of the night lingers and people were extraordinarily touchy due to the beer and the illegal hemp,there was respect, respect in the sense that getting laid is not obligatory after the night, not like in dance clubs where the guy practically grinds his sexuality into your crotch. people come to xaymaca not mainly for the dancing, but for the music and for the beach-y ambiance. most of all, people come to meet people, not to sleep with them at the end of the night.

xaymaca enabled me to relax, to calm down from all the intricacies the summer has offered me. i learned to settle down in a chair in the outdoor section of xaymaca, drink my beer and stare at the night sky while session road gives a rendition of no doubt's underneath it all. despite being in the city, i can practically feel the brush of the ocean against my feet. it was soothing to my nerves that xaymaca nights can lull me to a peaceful sleep and i dont mean this in a bad way. the place was not rowdy and noisy like how some clubs can be. and during the band's break, people converged outside and talked about anything under the sun, with their drinks in hand. mingling became natural and even the most anti-social person could not help but simply socialize. there was no pressure to fit in though. there was genuine acceptance. everyone had something in common and that is the love for reggae and everything it represents-standing up for one's rights, fighting for your individuality and sensuality and doing something about unrequited love. with all these, i began to put things in a better perspective more. being the escapist that i am, i stopped escaping from this particularly cruel summer.

i havent been to xaymaca in months, being free from things to escape from. life has been good to me lately. i went there last friday with friends though, simply for fun. though i didnt feel alienated from the new crowd, i didnt feel welcome either. i couldnt help feeling nostalgic as i listened to the music of brownman revival and drank beer with my friends. i also felt quite relieved that i went there to unwind and not forget. i still love the place but the thrill wasnt there anymore. i have nothing to escape from and i have extracted all the juice that i can extract from the "orange" that is xaymaca. however, my love for the music is still there and the memories i have of the place and the people are still very much alive. over and over again, i will still go back to xaymaca.

these are probably the reasons i was pissed and edgy when my friends decided to move and go to decades. the music and the crowd of that place squashed all the fun out of my evening and made me want to go home. i even promised myself that that would be the first and the last time i would set foot on that crappy place. id choose xaymaca over decades anytime, even if hayden christensen were in decades, which i seriously doubt would happen in a billion years.

you see, im still stirring it up.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

come to me

im officially on my sembreak and i am really living the grepalife. sigh. i am loving every second of it. i have no plans of going home to tuguegarao this sembreak. ironically, my mom is also not voicing her intentions of making me go home as well. hmm..she must be psychic too, secretly aware that i dont want to endure almost 12 hours of sitting on a godforsaken airconditioned bus where my butt ends up sore and my body ends up as cold as ice. im too much of a grepalife, enjoying the comforts of home, to endure that. id rather have people miss me than permanently lose the feeling in my legs and then refuse to go back to manila because it would mean going through all that again.

however, things have their magical way of turning out. if the gorgeous arcie wont come to tuguegarao, tuguegarao will come to the gorgeous one. this afternoon, my cousin bap-bap and i went to intramuros where an entire tent showcased exhibits and booths from cagayan valley. today was tuguegarao city day in their celebration thingy so our teacher way back in high school invited both of us to watch their performance of the drama/dance play, "biuag and malana," a mystic tale from cagayan about two warriors fighting for the love of the cagayan river's goddess. typical. this is the story of my life, only my version has more than two warriors! hahaha. i can so totally relate to the river's goddess. after all, not every girl is as gorgeous as a goddess. hehe! =p

anyway, a lot of officials from tuguegarao were there. the mayor and some of his councilors graced the event. rommel adducul, tuguegarao's basketball pride, was also awarded a plaque for his meritorious whatever in philippine sports. what made this event funny was how the emcee and some of the tuguegarao officials acknowledged the presence of my cousin and i. the emcee announced our names, for everyone in the tent ala NBC tent to hear. i felt my cheeks growing hot when people immediately stared at us because this squeaky emcee pointed his finger towards our direction. but dont get me wrong, this was not a bad thing. i LOVE attention so i enjoyed every moment of it. i felt like a celebrity as people kept on gawking at us whenever we sat down, bought some shrimp crackers, empanada and cassava cake or just simply watched the show. hahaha! why were we acknowledged in the first place anyway? well, its a secret. the people close to me know this though. the person who finds out why wins a date from me, all expenses paid! deadline of the answer is on oct. 31. =)

the play was great and despite my reluctance to go because of the rain and my passion for my bed, sheets and pillows, i had fun watching most of my former schoolmates and seeing some familiar faces in the crowd. the shrimp crackers and the empanada were so delicious too! =p going to this event made me miss tuguegarao so much! however, this feeling isnt enough to make me want to go home. after all, most of the people that really matter to me are here in the city. besides, my mom said that my lola will visit us here in the city instead this sembreak. in case you dont know, my lola is the only person in tuguegarao that can make me go home. see? i DONT have to go home.

bap-bap and i left the place after the play and decided to go to the mall. my laptop's cord is busted again so i have to buy a new one. bap-bap, being her usual artsy-fartsy self, wanted to buy a sketchpad and some pencils too. after buying these stuff, we had dinner at sbarro with apple C2 which we bought at ministop intramuros! hahaha.=p yum, yum, yum! its a good thing bap and i spent the day together. i miss hanging out with her, being occupied with boying and school. i then made a vow to myself that i will spend time with my favorite cousin more this sembreak. its a good thing that she's not in tuguegarao because that would make things complicated for me. that would make me go home instantly, kicking and screaming though. hahaha! =)

it seems like the more i detach myself from the world lately by grepalifing at home in my room, the more it finds ways for me to connect with it inevitably. i have no escape. even the walls of my room are not enough to keep people away. my phone keeps on ringing. text messages are received by my mobile phone constantly. people keep on e-mailing me and sending me messages through friendster. the world is definitely conniving and conspiring with everyone to keep me close to them and for me to be in constant contact. i would definitely have trouble disappearing this time. the world has me at its clutches.

despite my efforts at disappearing and detaching myself, i am enjoying every moment of this. it fascinates me how in demand i am when i dont want to be. i love the attention and how it suddenly becomes ultimately all about me. sigh. i am definitely freaking myself out. but this is a good thing. at least i will definitely be busy this sembreak. with the people, the student assistant work i am constantly doing, the JC big event project proposal, etc; i am going to turn this grepalife break into a productive one. by the time it ends, i just hope that i wont be this self-centered anymore.

hmmm...to all those people whom i know ive been quite mean and indifferent to lately, im sorry. its all because im too lazy and too much of a grepa. i sincerely apologize. i wont come to you, if that is what you are all waiting for. i lack the initiative and the energy. if you guys find this annoying or insulting, come to me instead and then, ill realize how stupid i am. seeing someone do something i want to do but to lazy to push through with is pure torture for me. so please, feel free to torture me.

shit..i must be turning into a masochist.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

my psychic powers

for as long as i can remember, i can tell, upon waking up in the morning or the night before, whether something good will happen to me later on in a day. last wednesday, i woke up with that feeling, that something fabulous will happen. and for that, i was psyched to go to school and meet my fellow grepaqueens, caroline and anna. amazingly, something good did happen.

the three of us just hung out for the whole afternoon in casaa then caroline had to go home early. though she didnt tell me, i can sense that she was doubting my forecast for the day. though my predictions have never failed me before, i was doubting it too for the first time. exasperated with the lack of excitement, anna and i just had dinner at mcdo katipunan and then had a doughnut at cello's. again, agitated at the loser-ishness of the evening, i invited anna to drink with me at shade. i wanted to unwind and forget the failure of my psychic powers. and then it happened. as we were walking towards shade, he texted. he wanted to know where i was. i told him my friend and i were going to shade. and fortunately, he decided to go as well. i was practically grinning from ear to ear when he arrived. heck, i missed this guy a lot.

the night was great and i had a lot of fun. anna even told me that she was a bit pissed at me for acting all mushy, clingy and sweet with the guy in front of her. she was SHOCKED because she had never seen me like that before. for her, i had mastered the art of "as if nothing happened." i was the queen of indifference.

to top it all off, around four blasts from the past were pestering me with text messages telling me that they all missed me and that they wanted to see me. well, well, well. i was too tired and too contented with that night that i failed to reply to them all. anyhow, i apologized for not replying the day after.

throughout this week, i woke up with the same forecast. and naturally, every day turned out to be great. thursday and friday were equally amazing. they were tiring though. i guess the world missed me so much every one wants to be with me lately. hmmm..i should be taking more MIA moments more often then. one person seems to miss me a lot. i sensed this even before he told me that he did.

now, am i psychic or am i psychic?

hahahaha.

the smile tells it all. something wonderful is about to happen. this was taken last wednesday night by anna at mcdo katipunan before we went to shade. =)

P.S. read caroline's latest blog entry. it explains my psychic powers more.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

the best advice

i read the blog of chrissy, FHM's assistant section editor, from time to time because im very impressed by the way she writes. she's really a very good writer and her wit is both funny and impressive. one of her posts about the best advice she could give to people in a relationship was very enlightening for me. according to her entry, the best advice she could give is, "dont cheat." it was as simple as that. let me share with you one of her paragraphs. this is the one that striked me the most.

True love is the most intimate, intense thing one could ever subject one’s heart to. Betrayal, on the other hand, is the quintessential form of detachment, of straying from the intimate bond that’s been plastered by your agreement to love your partner and your partner alone. One could fail to show up on a date countless times; one could engage in a cuss- and plate-throwing session quarterly; or one could scream “I hate you!” to one’s partner every so often; but cheating, damn, more often than not, only one instance of cheating is enough reason for a person to forget—or at least try very, very hard to forget amid countless scattered used Kleenexes and a nose that could make Rudolph look like an albino—a love that one had never imagined had the power to disillusion oneself.

hmmm..amazingly, i agree. take it from me, my dear readers, dont cheat.

unless, of course, you feel that the person youre cheating with is definitely worth the risk.

after graduation

one more semester to go and i am going to be graduating. though it saddens me to part with my grepa friends and orgmates, i am extremely excited with the prospect of working in public relations, advertising or in a glossy magazine. i have decided not to take the law entrance exam this year, given that my four years in college have taken their toll on me, emotionally, physically and mentally. i felt that i have done so much in school that the mere thought of going through another four years of it in law school simply tires me. i asked my mom already and she gave me her permission not to go immediately to law school. not that she is requiring me to, but i felt that i needed to ask her first since i have been telling her that i would pursue law ever since i was in the first grade. i decided to find work first for a year and decide after. if i enjoy working too much, i may not go to law school anymore. but when the passion is still there after a year of working, most particularly in something that interests me like PR, i will go to law school. this, i promised myself. over and over again for the past few months of the first semester.

i will be turning 21 this december and it scares me. i will officially be an adult though i dont feel like one. hehe. i will be joining the workforce and be living independently. i promised myself that i will move out of the house once i get enough money but sometimes, i doubt this. im too much of a spoiled brat to iron my own clothes and cook my food. however, the fact that excites me the most is the promise of more freedom. though i enjoy not having a curfew and doing whatever i want whenever i want, my mom still makes most of the major decisions. after graduation, i want to be irrational every once in a while and do something, regardless of the consequences. like ride a bus and go wherever it takes me. i want to feel free and enjoy the independent life. a life where i need not ask permission from anyone about anything. this is not me being stubborn, believe me. i have been a conformist for most of my life that graduation seems like a baptism of fire for me, anointing me to be ultimately free from anyone's rules.

knowing my mom, i know she wont allow this. its in her nature to watch over everything i do. but graduating gives me a reason to be irrational. at least after graduation, i can tell her, "mom, let me be irresponsible for a while. i have already graduated anyway." hahaha. knowing this, i realize that the first part of my being a new graduate will not be spent looking for a job but instead, i will be bumming around, being the ultimate grepalife and painting the town red. i feel that i have earned the right to do all these after college. i was a conscientious student, wasnt i? yes, i was. and i have the grades to prove that.

i really dont know what i will do after graduation but i know what i WANT to do. i want to work and then have fun on the side. these are the things that im sure about. but, i might get married. it thrills me to know that i can do this since my mom is pretty open to the idea. to whom? that, i dont know yet. i have six months to go in college. a lot can happen in the span of six months. you never know who youre going to meet. heck, i might meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. hehehe. i might also take up nursing though the idea is totally nauseating for me. my mom has been suggesting it for the past few months but its not really my thing. id rather be in law school slaving over cases and books than go to nursing school and practice taking care of patients. travelling is also an option. i might just muster all the courage in my body and then follow my dream of backpacking around the country, going to places where nobody knows me and with no communication from my world. like i always say, i want to say yes to myself and no to the world sometimes. this is going to be one of those rare chances.

uncertainty looms ahead for me. i dont know what will happen to me after graduation. but as of this moment, i dont care. i dont give a damn about what the future holds. the stubborn part of me is rearing its ugly head. i am too occupied with the present. i am too busy with the things that are happening to me and with the people that are with me now. i just hope that when the future comes, i will be ready to face it and accept it. my future doesnt have to be very impressive, as some might wish for. im crossing my fingers though that it will be a whole lot of fun! =p

P.S. my mom almost made me take a leave of absence (LOA) from school after my car accident. she and my whole family felt that i should take a break because i was messed up emotionally and physically during that time. i have to admit the experience was severely traumatic. i was mostly quiet for almost two weeks after, in a weird sort-of trance and with no recognition of what was happening around me. the doctor even said that my brain was shaken pretty badly, not to mention the bump on my forehead. those were the times i did pretty crazy things and made some stupid decisions to forget about the accident. its a good thing i woke up from the trance, with the help of several people i will forever be thankful for. because i woke up, i had enough sense to disagree with my mom and insist that i will continue with the semester. if i didnt do these, i wouldnt be graduating this academic year. whew.

Monday, October 10, 2005

dodging dates

unwittingly, i have been dodging dates for the past two weeks now. its only now that i realized that i have been doing this because of some very whiny text messages from several guys. they have been pestering me with text messages over the past few days and even though i knew i could go, i refused to reply favorably. and honestly, i am running out of excuses. i now find it hard to reply and my creative juices cease to flow. these guys have asked me out for coffee, lunch, a movie and one even offered to take me to the beach for a whole weekend! even if i find the dates very appealing and quite fun, i chose to just stay at home or just simply hang out with people that matter to me, namely my family, caroline, my friends and orgmates. im also a bit overwhelmed over the number of dates that have been pouring in. did somebody make an announcement about my being single? as far as i know, my friendster profile was "in a relationship" status for the longest time. its only last week that i changed it. and even if i never was in a relationship recently, i just put that in for fun. hahaha. it amazes me how people come up to me and ask if im in a relationship or not. well, well, well, news flash! im not.

over contemplating and some grepatime at home, i realized why i was dodging dates. im just plain, downright lazy. i also realized that i am now indifferent towards the person i love. if im indifferent towards him, why should i force myself to be with other people? if love cant make me care, why should the lack of anything to do make me want to care? being indifferent towards him is apparently, according to caroline, wrong. it is totally not me.

because of these changes and caroline's endless tirade about being shocked over my coldness, i concluded that these happened because i am tired of everything. things have been so hectic lately that i failed to have time for myself, for myself alone. for a social butterfly like me, its hard to be alone. people tend to gravitate towards me expecting me to cheer them up or to tell them hilarious stories. this can get pretty tiring, believe me. so for most of this weekend, i rested. i even took joy upon staring at the ceiling all day while hugging my pillows close.

another thing which made me dodge dates is how people tend to label me as a player since i am going out with a lot of people. well, is it my fault i like to spend time with a lot of people? and is it also my fault that these people enjoy my company as well? no. it certainly isnt my fault. i am young, single and free. i can date anyone i want, anytime i want.

i have definitely been having fun alone and with people that matter to me. but being indifferent made me realize that i am depriving myself the joy of being with and getting to know other people better. due to my apparent laziness, i am closing my world towards prospective significant people. again, this is not me.

because of this realization, i decided to fight off this indifference. and the first step is going on a date. i am going out on a lunch date tomorrow. oh yes, i am. the best part is that its at pancake house and i will be having blueberry pancakes. hahaha.=p

it doesnt hurt too that its with someone who looks a lot like dennis trillo. hotness. ahahay. =)

Sunday, October 09, 2005

kiddie party with me!

to cheer my dear readers after a dreary post yesterday, here are some photos taken last friday when i went to my nephew's kiddie birthday party at KFC, e. rodriguez. the theme of the party was dexter's laboratory. i acted silly for the whole party and then went straight to shade.

hello, dear brother! what have you got there? nothing, nothing, all you see is air. dont be silly, i love you very much. ooops! i guess i shouldnt touch. (something from dexter's laboratory, hehe!) here's me as DEEDEE. =p

now with caroline as deedee and me as dexter. how cute. how juvenile. how grepa!

then with my cousin, bap-bap, sans the masks! hmmm..i look gorgeous. definitely my best angle. hahaha! =)

cool photos huh? enjoy. im ok now. no more dreary posts in the days to come.

thanks, alecsander. you successfully managed to muffle the screaming.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

screaming infidelities

im lost and i cant stand the screaming.

im stuck in a rut.

they, however, are conquering every iota of my life.

as ive said, when it rains, it pours.

im now a bit overwhelmed. and tired. and quite fed up.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

the gorgeous caroline

sucking the coffee out of the container. hahaha! caroline never fails to crack me up. my apologies to the girl in the photo. its your birthday, after all! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAROLINE!

shortly after graduation and when someone will ask me what i will miss most about college, for sure, i will not hesitate, without even blinking, immediately answer, caroline. i find it quite annoying that its only this year that i have grown close to this bombshell who is a self-confessed juliana palermo look-alike. all the possible grepa moments put to waste! nevertheless, caroline has definitely made the past few months of my college life exciting and sorry to all the conservatives out there, extremely wild. hahaha.=p

caroline is my best friend. one look at us and you guys can figure it out how close we are. she can read my mind and i can read hers. i often tell her that im scared of getting sick whenever a day passes that im not with her. cheesy as it may seem, caroline is a part of me and i find nothing weird with that. our shared experiences and stories are fun and deep at the same time that i have never regretted wasting precious time with her. not that we dont do anything productive. hehe. with caroline around, i am bound to have fun. even with the occasional sobfest, moments with her are always fun-filled and relaxing. laughing my lungs out is inevitable with her crazy antics and childlike energy.

since she is my best friend, of course, she is gorgeous. even in grepa outfits, caroline looks gorgeous effortlessly. not just your typical morena, she never fails to turn heads whenever we walk around UP and the city. though she keeps on complaining that she is too skinny, i shrug my shoulders and look at her with disbelief. she is sexy, in my opinion, without any doubt. she, according to a mutual friend, has a perfect smile. and again, i agree. being the camwhore that she is and because of all those time she has spent staring at herself in the mirror, it is impossible that she wont get that smile down cold.

she is the best gimik buddy i have ever had. always game and on the go, she never fails to make me hyper whenever we're out or just simply drinking with friends. honestly, this girl loves boying. hahaha. one of our favorite grepa activities, it is undeniable that boys enjoy her company. hehe. even without boys though, caroline and i enjoy just simply eating and filling our tummies with whatever food we fancy. a day never passes without us unwittingly pigging out. even if she will deny this, she has a rather large appetite for someone so slim. its amazing she still looks stunning in her ultra miniskirts. haha.

despite being a relatively strong drinker, she still finds time to focus on her academics. being low-key about her schoolwork, im shocked how she can effortlessly juggle her engineering subjects and our grepalife. honestly though, i think she can grow more as a person in masscomm, given her talent for self-expression and knack for making people laugh. this girl is intelligent, it shows in her eyes and i find that very admirable. caroline, i think, is a geek in denial. hahaha.

being the other half of the ewww brunettes, caroline has the gift of analyzing other people and scheming for us to get what we want. hehe. whenever we are together, caroline comes up with the most outrageous ideas and surprisingly, has the best results. she easily gets along with anyone and is very good-natured. she tends to be brutally frank but redeems this by being genuinely nice as well. i will be eternally grateful that she accepts me, with all my stupid mistakes and shocking decisions, as me. she has never negatively judged me and supports me in every grepa and boying moment i pursue. she understands me at a certain level nobody has. though she sometimes pretty much lets me to do relatively wild things and i with her, caroline is the cool head, the rational one, between the two of us. even if she has just done something deviant, she remains calm and level-headed.

also an only child like me, she tends to be a major, spoiled brat. though we are both brats, we have never been a brat to each other. her personality jives with mine so much i hate it whenever someone does something foul to her. im more affected even while she has effectively mastered the art of as if nothing happened. argh. hehehe.=p

being unattached right now and admittedly not touchy-feely, i find it appalling how i grew to love this girl so easily. it is then proof that despite her strong, indifferent facade, she is actually sweet, caring and affectionate. the guy, whom caroline will be intoxicated with, is definitely going to be a very lucky one.

it's her birthday today and i am so looking forward to more of her birthdays. basing on how i know her, i know this girl has a bright future ahead of her. despite being irresponsible every once in a while, she is, undeniably, very conscientious and really devoted to the things that matter to her. i love her to death and i want to see her in my life in all the years to come. i really couldnt imagine a gorgeous arcie without the gorgeous caroline.

honey, happy birthday! hahaha.=) let me now use this line on you. mahal kita at gusto kitang maging masaya, at all costs. hehe. mwah! batch, thanks for everything. for the advice, jokes, stories, apple C2, chips and max's dinners. also for the sleepovers, grepa moments, boys and grepa shopping sprees. without you, i would have been insane by now.=p

Monday, October 03, 2005

echoing in my head

the same time last year, i was addicted to the song "satellite" by the dave matthews band. up to now, it is still my ultimate favorite song of all time. here are the lyrics:

Satellite in my eyes

Like a diamond in the sky

How I wonder

Satellite strung from t he moon

And the world your balloon

Peeping Tom for the mother station

Winter's cold spring erases

And the calm away by the storm is chasen

Everything good needs replacing

Look up, look down, all around, hey satellite

Satellite headlines read

Someone's secrets you've seen

Eyes and ears have been

Satellite dish in my yard

Tell me more, tell me more

Who's the king of your Satellite Castle?

Winter's cold spring erases

And the calm away by the storm is chasen

Everything good needs replacing

Look up, look down, all around, hey satellite

Rest high above the clouds no restriction

Television we bounce round the world

And while I spend these hours

Five senses reeling

I laugh about the weatherman's satellite eyes

Satellite in my eyes

Like a diamond in the sky

How I wonder

Satellite strung from the moon

And the world your balloon

Peeping Tom for the mother station

Winter's cold spring erases

And the calm away by the storm is chasen

Everything good needs replacing

Look up, look down, all around, hey satellite

Rest high above the clouds no restriction

Television we bounce round the world

And while I spend these hours

Five senses reeling

I laugh about the weatherman's satellite eyes

this song has been echoing in my head for the past few days ever since i knew he's still mad at me. he now refuses to acknowledge that we're friends and that we were a part of each other's lives. yes, it is all my fault. i was selfish. and i will forever apologize for that.

i began to love this song when we started going out and he used to play it on his player all the time for me. whenever he drove me home, we played this song over and over again. this song reminds me so much of him and the way he looked at me before. the good memories all came flashing back at me and all i could do is smile. i have accepted the fact that it had to end because of my selfishness. i am happy now and i hope he is happy as well. he deserves someone who will follow his every whim, request and command. i have forgotten all the bad memories and i know that that is a good thing. i am free from anger and from the fact that he is trying to delete me from his life. but deep down inside, i hope he wont stay mad at me for long. i am more than willing to be his friend and listen to him like i used to.

he came into my life unexpectedly before and i admit that i said yes to us being together out of spite. i was frustrated over someone that time. but it turned out to be one of the most unforgettable relationships i have ever had in my life. the song echoes in my head, still.

hmmm..maybe i do miss him.

its about time i admit it to myself and to the world.

my new crush and a day in the zoo

if ever someone told me that ill have a crush on him three years ago, id kill that person. hehehe. i have a new crush and he's oh-so-cute! definitely my type, a little on the geeky side and a bit of vanity only hot guys rightfully possess. sigh. its exciting to have a new crush. i actually felt a tingle at the base of my spine when he asked for my number. wee! he totally made my weekend. up to now, i still have a smirk on my lips. but i dont plan to do anything about this crush. it excites me to admire someone from afar and giggle every time he does something sweet. this is definitely the perfect thought to start my sembreak! hehehe.=)

emman and i spent the whole day in manila today. we interviewed a photojournalist from the inquirer at the western police district, had lunch at barrio fiesta, went to the manila zoo and then shopped at robinson's place. it was a full-packed day and i had so much fun. of course, the fun part is expected since i always have fun whenever im with emman. ahahay.

out of all the things that we did, i got the biggest kick out of going to the zoo. upon entering the zoo, i was major amazed upon seeing the elephant! it dawned upon me that its been a long time since i saw animals up close, unless you count party animals in! hahaha. emman and i roamed around the zoo and then interviewed the administration officer. im doing a story for TV journalism class and i decided to do it on this zoo, upon recommendation of my professor of course and i wanted to do something related to the environment. after all, i am an environmentalist. seriously. =)

i saw some horses, zebras, monkeys, tigers, foxes, deers, crocodiles, special birds and horses but the giraffe, the one animal i was so excited to see, wasnt there anymore. awww..i was so looking forward to seeing the giraffe since i clearly remember that when i was seven, on my first trip to the zoo, i had tons of pictures of me feeding the giraffe. but he wasnt there anymore. whats worse is that the guard said he died..boohoo. =( despite that one sad note, i had fun fun fun nonetheless. nothing beats being all nostalgic about one's childhood and savoring the feeling in a place where everyone wants to have fun. plus, i was with emman. yihee, issue! hahaha! =p

after spending the afternoon in the zoo, emman and i went to robinson's place where i bought some flipflops and some sandals. ahahay. i felt i needed to reward myself for a very productive semester, both in school and out. besides being a self-confessed nerd, i was the ultimate social butterfly this semester. im crossing my fingers that next sem, my last sem in college, is going to be way better.

it would help a lot though if i can put my crush in a cage, put him in the zoo and stare at him all day long. better yet, i would buy him from the zoo! hahahaha! =)

sigh. so this is the feeling of having a new crush. i havent had a new one in a long, long time. the timing is right though. =p

finally, lovestruck.

Friday, October 28, 2005

a point to ponder and a cute pic to go with it too!

silly predictions

Saturday, October 22, 2005

firsts and some random things

Thursday, October 20, 2005

going nerdy all the way!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

nerd!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

rockstar

Monday, October 17, 2005

xaymaca baby

Sunday, October 16, 2005

come to me

Saturday, October 15, 2005

my psychic powers

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

the best advice

after graduation

Monday, October 10, 2005

dodging dates

Sunday, October 09, 2005

kiddie party with me!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

screaming infidelities

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

the gorgeous caroline

Monday, October 03, 2005

echoing in my head

my new crush and a day in the zoo

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