convince yourself
i will be travelling to tuguegarao tonight, spending the whole day of nov. 1 there and then boarding a bus on the night of that same day. talk about exhausting, the only amount of sleep i'm going to get is the time i'm spending on the bus. argh. and i tell you, i can't sleep on a freakin' bus that has a temperature as icy cold like a freezer and with squishy, upholstered seats. plus, the driver or the bus conductor chooses a lame, action movie to show during the beginning of the long nine-hour ride. i am definitely not looking forward to this kind of travelling.
i really don't have a clue why my mom is so insistent on making me go home there for nov. 1. heck, i won't even be staying there for 24 hours! she told me she wants me to see her new car, a honda odyssey, new resthouse and the new car showroom she's been working on for the past two months. but, i think the majority of the reason she wants me there is that she wants to show me off to our relatives who haven't seen me for almost a year. i'll eat my shorts if she doesn't end up bringing me to all their houses and then have them rave over how gorgeous, intelligent and independent i have become.
this is really an investment of my time, my energy and my money. do you have any idea how much a bus ticket to tuguegarao costs? it costs 750 freakin' pesos! going there and going home to manila would cost 1500! ok, ok, i'm being a cheapskate but what makes this even more unbearable is the duration of the trip. 9 hours going there + 9 hours going back (not counting bad traffic hours) = 18 hours of making my ass sore in a bus! argh. argh. argh. and if i won't go, i can sleep all i want at home, watch more one tree hill episodes and hbo and be rested enough for the following work day. but no, being the angelic daughter that i am (hahahaha!), i said "yes, mom. i'm coming home." somebody kill me now and bring me back to life on thursday.
i also watched on the news last night that it's quite dangerous travelling to the north because of the typhoon, paeng. but, i see that nothing is going to stop me from going home. my mom insists. well, there'd better be something in all of these for me. hmmm..i'm really going to coax her to give me a cut on the check i received from my car accident's case settlement. prior to the settlement, we had agreed that she will take it all. but now, i'm deciding that i want some of it too. you'll see, it's time i become all whiny on her again. one thing about my mom, she can't say no to a whiny and bratty daughter. ok, there. i just convinced myself to go to tuguegarao.
post-5th month post!
last friday marked the 5th month of us together. cheers to five, amazing months of love and friendship! it has definitely been made of pure, real bliss. i am extremely happy and so is he. i am in the world of vanilla smiles and strawberry kisses. =p
too lazy to go out last friday, we opted to stay home but had dinner with caroline (my bestfriend) and ynard (his bestfriend), our matchmakers, at gerry's grill near abs-cbn last saturday night. we also had a few drinks with them at brothers' in teachers' village. saturday was a fun, fun night. here are some photos from that night but the rest are in my multiply site, Starcie in Cyberspace.
this is my phone's current wallpaper.
kissy, kissy! hehehe. =p
top view of our vanilla smiles.
hun's fifth monthsary gift to me! this is the two-in-one CD pack i have been lusting for since last week. i had no idea he got it for me. teehee. i was so giddy when he gave it to me last saturday. =) i'm on a non-mainstream music phase (like one tree hill's peyton) so these CDs are the best! plus, they have music of ALL my favorite bands. this CD package is love. thanks, hunnybun! you're definitely my hunnybun forever!
vanilla smile
Taken during an Up Dharma Down gig at 70s' Bistro, Oct. 25, 2006
The sun is upI'm so happy I could scream!And there's nowhere else in the world I'd rather beThan here with youIt's perfectIt's all I ever wantedI almost can't believe that it's for realI really don't think it gets any better than thisVanilla smileAnd a gorgeous strawberry kiss!Birds sing we swingClouds drift by and everything is like a dreamIt's everything I wishedFr: MINT CARby The Cure
as of tomorrow, it has lasted for exactly five, beautiful, amazing months. five wonderful months of love and friendship. to some, it may seem too short, too insignificant to label as life-altering. but for me, it feels like an eternity of bliss. nobody can blame me if i'd want to live forever like this. likewise, for me, this is an achievement. i have finally, after almost 6 years of being fickle, stubborn and sometimes, unfaithful; chosen to stick to one. fortunately, the someone i chose decided to do just the same.
love is definitely not just overrated this time, we both say. it's at last, real.
time for catharsis
i can't seem to escape the ghosts of the past. yes, they're all done and over with but everytime i try to forget, a detail resurfaces and all i can manage to do is cringe, cringe at the thought and eventually get irritated with the fact that it's always different with those you have a history with. i, for one, am guilty of this. i am still close, both in proximity and relationship, to my past's ghosts. though having history has its advantages, nothing beats starting fresh and then putting into use the knowledge you have gained from committing mistakes in the past. but everytime i am reminded that the foundation is still quite shaky and something that stood the test of time existed before it, i get pissed off. majorly, stupendously pissed off.
he's mine. mine. and. mine. alone. i am selfish and i don't want to share him with anyone, even with the mere memory of someone and the experiences they have shared. if only i could erase his past with a giant eraser or stain it completely with a black, magic marker, i would have.
i am being unfair, i know. i had a more shady and controversial past than him and i definitely had more relationships. he is reminded of them every single day because i am surrounded by these people and the things that represent them and encounter circumstances where my reputation precedes me. but still, he keeps his cool, tells me he is affected, waits for my apology and assurance that he is the one and smiles again. he holds my hand all this time. on the other hand, on the very, very rare occasion that a ghost of his pops up, i get all primadonna-ish and agitated. i ignore him for hours until he assures me over and over and over and over and over again that that ghost doesn't mean anything anymore. sometimes, i even get avengeful and flirt with my own ghosts, even threatening to get back with them just because he irked me. what can i say? i am a brat.
i still don't know what to do about my paroxysm (look it up in the dictionary!). i am reminded of the cliche, "let the past remain in the past," though. i hate cliches, honestly. but i'm betting that i should stick to this one. or else, i would eventually be reduced to a ghost of the past, instead of being his present and his future. nya. i hate moments like these, when i am compelled by myself to act all mature and shit. i am mentally pulling my hair out and stomping my feet. but. i. have. to. i don't even see or fathom the need for me to wallow in those he had a history with. there's a reason they're now history. duh. so he could be contemporary and soon in the future with me. this is kismet (again, look it up!). i don't want to spill chaos from my chaotic personality into it.
i badly need to release this unwanted angst. it's great then that i'm going to an up dharma down gig with friends at 70s' bistro tonight. time for some angsty music and worry-free bonding over beer. now, that's more like it. cathartic, i say. =)
a night with emman
over oreo mcflurries, fried chicken and french fries, my ultimate comfort foods ever, emman nailed the word which aptly describes he-who-makes-me-happy. marvelous! though we didn't mean for our catching up conversation to be funny, we laughed a lot and did a lot of gossiping about our own lives and of course, about others.' hanging out with my perpetual thesis partner is cathartic and it reminded me of how much fun we had working on our thesis together. i think we have grown a lot together with the thesis that we had put together for almost the entire year last year. emman and i have become cultured in the sense that we are now aware of what's trendy, worth going to or buying and pardon my use of the word, cool.
we planned to do something racy last night but changed our minds at the very last minute because we didn't want to be ogled at by guys in tacky suits! hahaha. seeing them in a private circumstance is racy, i admit, but it was scary coming up to them and actually buying entrance. we have done so two years ago with our blockmate and also close friend, ryan, but we chickened out now and decided we'd go if ryan can. hehe. besides, there's power in numbers. we ended up walking along tomas morato and then stopping at mcdonald's to grab a bite at about 1am in the morning.
emman and i did a lot of talking and though i have been repeating it for almost a year now, his company is soothing. we can talk about anything and i can admit to him anything and i know he won't condemn me for it. he said that plenty have noticed that i'm a good girl now. well, ah, i actually am now. the tables have turned and i find joy in the most wholesome of get-togethers. my priorities have changed for the better, he says. he also hopes that this positive change would continue despite the evil, or rather petty, insults i had for he-who-makes-me-happy. i just can't help but feel exasperated over he-who-makes-me-happy's simplicity and being naive about some stuff. it's like a paradigm of a country boy meets city girl scenario. he is so freakin' sheltered and it irks me sometimes.
instead of taking me by the hand, i am the one guiding he-who-makes-me-happy on and that sucks. sometimes. anyhoo, emman made me realize that every person has his/her own flaws. i should feel lucky that that's he-who-makes-me-happy's only flaw. he is making me the happiest girl in the universe and no amount of innocence can make that happiness tacky. or make him more of a dork. hehe. =p
after a productive conversation at mcdonald's, we crashed at my house, just like old times, and tried to watch rent but i was damn sleepy. i fell asleep at the beginning at around 4am and i woke up at 7am, just in time to get dressed for my 830 am hearing at the qc hall. i left my house with emman dozing in the large mattress we slept in together. hahaha. =p i still can't get over seeing his blond streaks. hehehe. how glam rock. =) i'm egging him to try green next month though.
i had a lot of fun last night and early this morning. emman is one of the links to my college life and it warms my heart with a feeling of nostalgia to hang out with him again. i'm definitely wishing there will be more makisig-or-mcdonald's nights in the years to come. friends are jewels and i know my friend, emman, is a glistening diamond. wow, how shalei. =)
i love...
Things I'm Loving Right Now:
1. online shopping (i had bought a ton already, including two large handbags, two lindsay lohan/nicole richie-inspired tops, black leggings and more!)
2. kettle korn sweet and salty twister (i don't know why i'm suddenly craving for this)
3. black nail polish by chanel (present from mom, it's uber stylish. very glam rock, eh? surely beats the one salons use on my toenails)
4. slouchy, bubble tops and boho-inspired blouses (ok, ok, i'm on a glam rock phase. i'm wearing black clothing for the first time ever!)
5. celebrity gossip blogs (they're entertaining and addicting!)
6. large handbags (the accessory of the moment)
7. the steam room at fitness first (staying inside is so soothing. it's a way of detoxifying. i feel my stress melting away everytime i spend about 5 minutes or so there. plus, it's good for the muscles.)
8. e-aji nachos and ridges (yum! e-aji is love, with their scrumptious chips and tasty dips!)
9. l'oreal pure zone deep control anti-imperfection regulating moisturizer (whew! what a long name. but this is really a face saver. it controls oil, acne, and blemishes and evens out the skin's complexion. it's a bit pricey though.)
10. multiple pendants/charms on necklaces (i can't wait for my favorite online store to post their new releases! i'm definitely buying!)
"what-might-have-been"
the fog has cleared. i get it now, after almost one year of denial and nonchalance. we were good together and he said i could have been happier with him but that is not the point. what would have mattered is willingness to fight for me and the act of sacrificing one's pride and relinquishing one's fears. and of course, love. love ultimately matters. if he was afraid of loving me then, how could he love me now?
is it a case of sour-graping? now that i'm happy, he's regretting what he has done and admitting that he was wrong. i LOVED him and i love him, as a friend, now. ours was a dysfunctional relationship from the very beginning and he said, if one particular event didn't happen, we would have worked things out for the better, stayed together for a long time and helped each other grow to be a better person. that was what he perceived to have supposedly happen if things weren't messed up. this is our "what-might-have-been." it made me think, pause for a while and question my present state of bliss.
this contemplation ended shortly. i shouldn't even be thinking about this anymore. there was a reason it never worked out in the first place and i don't want to commit the same mistakes again, of investing in a person who's too scared, who's too chicken to show what i mean to him because of some circumstances. if he didn't fight for me before, why should i fight for him now? he doesn't deserve such unselfishness.
he is not closing his doors to a future of us. but, personally, i think i'm ready to do just that. yes, we were good together but i believe i am at my best now. i owe that to my guy. now, this argument is something not even a wonderful "what-might-have-been" could falter and weaken. i know now that i made the right choice, but not necessarily the safe one, last may. i took a leap of faith and my guy luckily caught me in the nick of time. everything is perfect. there is no space for doubt nor cowardice anymore.
my boy_friends
tommy, one of my closest friends ever, recently made me a testimonial. you can check it here, Starcie's Friendster Profile. it just really sinked in to me how close i was to several masig guys and how close they were to me. almost throughout my senior year in college, i was with them in almost all of their nights out and even on campus just to hang out and poke fun at each other. and yes, i was linked to some of them too and though i had my share of controversies from being close to these guys, i really had fun, so much fun that i even went to their sem-ender at the hundred islands last summer. take note that i was the only girl they brought along.
i was soon associated with these guys and whenever i was seen without them, i would be asked, "o, bakit wala kang kasamang masig?" it was funny, really. however, some people even mistook my friendship with them as totally wrong. others raised eyebrows and spread really, ugly rumors. seeing one girl hang out and drink with a group of guys is certainly not something conservatives and busybodies would enjoy.
but beneath the malicious exterior that people mistook our friendship for, these guys really took care of me. they brought me home every night we were out together and protected me like a princess. there were countless times that they would even wipe my puke on the floor and covered for my mistakes. they helped in my scheming, in my mischievous ways and even in stuff that only close friends would understand.
what made them more endearing to me is how they would understand me, no matter how wild or crazy i can become. they were never judgmental and whenever i did something people would normally scold me about, they take it as it is and accept it for as long as i'm happy with it, they're happy with it too, they would often say. they understood my ups and downs, my complexities when it comes to love and infatuation and never failed to include me in all of their plans. in the end, i developed close, platonic friendships with most of them, regardless of how those friendships came to be and what circumstances brought them about. they were like the brothers that i never had. i have fraternity brothers of my own but i am not close to them as i am to these guys.
now, i haven't seen them in almost four months. and though my boyfriend is from masig, it's not the same since he's from manila and i'm close to those from diliman. i just now realized that i really miss them, as in really, really. i miss those nights where we would make fun of each other, of everything in sight and then go home a bit drunk, but looking forward to drinking as a group again tomorrow. tommy said that they were still the same, old crew and quipped "ikaw nga lang ang absent eh." he said they miss me very much. well, i miss them very much too. and that is why i told him i'd hang out with them sometime next week, if i'm given permission from my masig boyfriend, that is. after all, though they used to be MY boy_friends, irving is MY boyfriend now.
plans
some of my sorority sisters are planning a trip to the beach next, next weekend. my batchmate, hannah, invited me to go and every inch of me is ecstatic! i so want to go. not only am i free that weekend, i badly need some beach time. i need to frolic in the sand and water and bathe under the sun! besides, i also need some time away from the city and from my house. things have been so routinary and i have become more cranky than usual in the mornings. i am crossing my fingers so hard that this trip will push through, come hell or high water.
it is my bestfriend caroline's birthday tomorrow and i don't know if she has any plans. well, blame it on my laziness of texting anyone nowadays. it seems like the only person i text to and call is my boyfriend using my sun cellular phone. (read: unhealthy!) i have been neglecting my globe phone for the longest time and though i have received very important messages from my car's casa manager, blockmates, friends and ok, ex-boyfriends (read: possible infidelity=unhealthy!), i fail to manage a reply just because. anyhoo, i miss my bestfriend sooooooo much it makes me want to cry at the bottom of my house's stairs. hahahaha! we don't get to talk much anymore, owing to my irving-packed schedule and of course, she's busy datin' and studyin.' the good thing is i don't feel disconnected with her, i know we are still as close as ever that there wouldn't be feelings of awkwardness when we meet up again. she even surprised me last week by visiting me here at work! talk about hating surprises, i actually loved this one. =) it's already october and this year is about to come to a close. two months to go! her having a boyfriend is my only prediction that hasn't come true YET. well, having my predictions come true doesn't really matter now. what matters is that she's happy and that she won't succumb to any half-baked love out there. i want my bestfriend to find the love i have right now, love that is a burning thing, a can't-live-without-each-other-love, ridiculous, mind-boggling, romantic love. i hope that it will be this year's birthday gift to her. she deserves that love, i know. heck, she deserves it more than i do, being the crazy girl that i used to be.
i actually planned to take a leave out of work tomorrow to spend the entire day with her. but of course, i don't want to get in the way of her plans. she may be spending it with a certain someone. *wink wink* hehehe. so, i'm just waiting for a text message from her inviting me to do whatever tomorrow or tonight on the eve of her birthday where we would count down the minutes to midnight. =) this time, i will reply.
i have been doing a lot of online shopping lately. it's so much fun and addicting! yes, i know i'm too lazy to go to the shops now and would instead plant my lazy ass in front of my computer and look at the latest products at my favorite online shopping sites. well, all their merchandise is in line with the latest trends and with really reasonable prices. i'm planning to buy this sleeveless, green polka-dot dress with an adjustable waistband this weekend and pair it off with this pair of black leggings i bought yesterday together with this nicole richie/lindsay lohan-inspired blouse. and oh, a pair of esprit black skinnies and a black boho blouse too! these outfits are love. =p i have reserved the dress and the blouse already up to monday. oh, retail therapy. it's to keep me busy while my boyfriend's at work and not yet home. hehehe. =)
today at lunchtime, i also plan to get a pedicure. yey for my toenails! my last pedicure was, i think, a week and a half ago, so i need one now! brat. i plan to get this lustrous, kohl-colored polish this time. something so glam rock to go with my new glam rock outfits! ok, i will stop now. i'm starting to sound like a ditz. hahaha.
i'm off for that pedicure. toodles!
rare moment
one of the rare moments i'm actually proud he's an ex-boyfriend of mine, Making Love Mock Reality Show. peace! you guys figure out who he is among the guys in that show. =p
he's been plugging it to me for the past couple of weeks so i'm plugging it now here! silly. some people actually think he's also guwapo. hmmm..hahaha. =)
in equilibrium
yesterday was very productive. last day of review class, a meaningless fight, shopping, hanging out with old friends at chris' house then to starbucks, coming home and making up, dinner at jordan's grill, haircut and hairspa with the boyfriend and then, some sound sleep. this may seem a lot for one somewhat crappy day for myself. yes, i did a lot and i also realized a lot.
i have to stop defining myself in terms of my relationships with other people. i have to define me in terms of being ME, of what i want and what makes me different from other people. yes, i am happy with someone but does that mean i am happy with myself as well? other people bring me happiness but i have realized that i have to get my own life, a life not dependent on a person, a life not dictated by what another person wants and a life i can first call my own before i amalgamate it with someone else's. my happiness doesn't have to depend entirely on one person alone.
over one tree hill banter, i told a friend that i wanted to be like peyton. for me, she's so cool. artsy-fartsy, into good music, rebellious and her character has depth. lucas even said that she is covered with issues from head to toe. but then, my friend said that i am totally brooke, not peyton. well, i knew that. every time i watch a one tree hill episode, i see myself in brooke all the time. we even react to the same things the same way and we even like the same stuff like clothes, makeup, parties, accessories, girly stuff. she's superficial most of the time and usually depends on a guy to make her happy. but, she isn't shallow. most of the time, she's just hiding behind a mask of superficiality to conceal her sadness. i know i have my superficial and ditzy moments but those are just my defense mechanisms to wipe away my negative emotions. peyton, on the other hand, is complicated and makes really, really difficult decisions and goes with them all throughout the way. she has unusual strength of character which i admire but which i fear as well. she does things her own way and even works alone. she's not perky and cheery like brooke and i but she handles things with a mature perspective.
upon realizing all these, i decided to focus on living my life the way i want to now, without relying on anyone's expectations or suggestions. i want to be alone every once in a while, have my "alone" time and stare at cars passing by and people promenading while sipping a macchiato and puffing that occasional nicotine fix. i want this time for me to put things in better perspective so that when i go back to my world full of people and relationships, i'll be more level-headed, calm and a better person to those i share a life with. i want to know the real me better and engage in stuff i personally like, stuff nobody else has encouraged me to do.
i miss being alone because my life is so full of people, so full of noise that silence seems so precious. my mom said that she is seeing that my life is slowly recovering back to its stable state. well, yes, it is. i want that to continue and it only will if i say yes to myself and no to the world sometimes. this doesn't mean though that i will disappear from everyone's reach starting today. my friends know that i am scarce enough as it is. this only means that i will take occasional breaks where i will do things by myself and have fun in the process and in solitude. these breaks will not be a hiatus and sometimes, will not even be noticed by the people around me. it's just my making quality time out of my otherwise idle time.
people who know me are aware that i am cranky at times. quite moody. a bit self-centered. a spoiled brat even. but maybe, just maybe, if i finally sort out my moods and needs by myself, i'll be a bit different from what i used to be. no more meaningless fights and being sorry for it afterwards. my life would be streamlined and i would avoid hurting people i love and care for. nothing would be half-baked and lacking. by then, my life would be truly happy and in equilibrium.
